I just got back from a business trip to Baltimore, it was quite an adventure. My own personal "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles", a comedy of errors.
I was supposed to fly from Denver International to BWI near Baltimore, it's only about a 3.5 hour flight. Flight was scheduled to leave Denver Aug 4, at 10:42am, flight UA 18, arrive BWI 4:12pm (2 hours time difference). I live ~ 30 mins from the airport, so I left the house at 9a (some of you might count that as Mistake #1, but I don't, although I might now count flying on United to be mistake #1)
Mistake #1 - I went to the drive-thru at a McDonald's on the way. It was fast, the order was correct, food was fine, so what's the problem? I'll get to that shortly.
Mistake #2 - I'm not very familiar with the parking at Denver International Airport, I was following the traffic and ended up in the close-in garage parking. It's $7/day more than the economy parking, but it's closer and I'm in a bit of a hurry so I just park in the garage. While this saved me a bit of time, it cost me an extra $21 for the 3 day trip, and as you're about to see, the time didn't help.
Delay #3 - I wasn't familiar with using United Airlines self check-in machines, so it took an extra 2-3 minutes to get my boarding pass.
Delay #4 - The security line is long, but it's moving quickly and I've got more than 45 mins, shouldn't be a problem. Down to 22 mins and just about to go through the scanner. Finally through security, I've got about 17 minutes until scheduled departure, off to the train to get to concourse B. Remember that couple minutes at McDonald's and at the self check-in machine? I sure could use those now. Train gets to me to concourse B, I've got 12 minutes until departure, so about 2 minutes to get to my gate.
Mistake #5 - I'm running to gate B18, the moving walkways help, but I'm not going to make it 10 mins before the flight. Get to gate B18, it's not my flight. Look at my ticket a couple more times before I notice that 18B is my seat #, the gate is in small print a few lines above. I need gate B52, and that's the direction I just came from, should have turned left instead of right.
Knowing it's too late now, I walk to gate B52. While on one of the moving walkways, I notice that gate B39 is a United flight to BWI, It's got my flight number and departure time, but my boarding pass definitely says B52. There is only an agent there, no passengers and the door is closed, if it's my flight, it's too late so I continue to B52 rather than jump over the wall of the moving walkway. I get to gate B52, it's not my flight, they changed my gate while I was going through security. For some reason, they don't announce gate changes in the main terminal where security is, so you don't hear them while you're working your way through security.
I head back to gate B39. The agent is still there, I inform her I'm supposed to be on the plane that is now gone. She checks flights and doesn't find anything direct to BWI or Washington Reagan/National. I can get to Washington Reagan/National on connecting flights arriving around 10pm, or BWI around 11pm. She has to go to her next gate, so I go to the customer service counter next door.
This agent finds the same options, and tells me I can go standby. It's another $50, but only if I actually get on the flight. If seats are available, I can confirm a seat for $150. I don't like the arrival times (or the cost) so I ask about flying into Dulles instead. Non-stop flight leaving in 40 mins, arrives Dulles at 5:09pm, a seat is available. That should put me in Baltimore by 7 or 8. I balk at the $150, she gives me a break, confirms me on that flight for $75. Gate is nearby. Finally things are looking better.
Mistake #6 - There is no #6, messed up in numbering them. 2015-09-12.
Delay #7 - Sitting on the plane at the gate, captain announces they've got a warning light showing one of the doors being open, have to wait a few minutes for maintenance to check it out. Ok, another 5-10 mins won't matter. Maintenance is quick to check it out, and we're rolling out to the runway.
Delay #8 - Captain informs us that traffic control is delaying our takeoff about 10 minutes, these things sometimes happen when you don't leave on time. Again, no big deal, I'll still get to Dulles around 5:30. We make up some time in the air, arrive at Dulles around 5:15, I'm off the plane around 5:30.
I check at the information desk to find out the best way to get to Baltimore. She's not sure, but they've got a flyer showing 8 ways to get to BWI. I know I can take the light rail from BWI to Baltimore, so I look at the list. Shuttle van is about $75, cab will be over $90, and that doesn't count tips. I can take the Metro (bus and subway) to a MARC train for a total of $10-$15, so I opt for that.
Delay #9 - I get to the bus, it's about the leave, I'm just in time. Fare is $6, exact change required, all I have are a $5 and some $20s. Back inside to get change, bus leaves. 30 mins until the next one.
I use that 30 mins to study the routes more carefully, get change, have a beer, and settle on a plan. I look at the menu, but nothing looks good, I'll eat in an hour or two when I get to Baltimore. I get on the bus, it's an express bus, only makes a few stops. The bus is moving well on the freeway, but it's a long distance, and it takes 40 mins.
I Follow the crowds into the subway station. I find the fare to my destination, pay, get my card, and head down to the platform. Train I need is arriving in 2 minutes, great. Things are starting to work well.
Delay #10 - It's supposed to be about a 34 min ride to my stop, it takes 50. I get off the the subway and the exit gate won't open, tells me to go to the "exit fares" machine. While waiting my turn, I see a note at the bottom of the fare chart, as of Aug 1, add $0.25 to the fares shown, didn't see that when purchasing my ticket. Remember that beer I had? I kept a quarter from the change, it's just what I need to get out of the subway.
Delay #11 - From here I'm supposed to take a MARC train to BWI. I don't see any signs for MARC, so I follow the crowds out and finally see a sign. I go in to get a ticket, train to Baltimore is just leaving, sure could use those couple minutes I lost on the exit toll and looking for the signs. It's now 7:57p. I can take an Amtrak at 8:57, arriving Baltimore at 9:30, or a MARC train at 9:11, arriving Baltimore after 10. I opt for the Amtrak.
Haven't eaten since the breakfast from McDonald's, I'm getting hungry. Snack bar and convenience store both closed at 8. Vending machines only take ones, and I'm out of change again. Stomach will have to wait a bit longer.
Mistake #10.5 – I know it's out of order, but I didn't know about it until this point, and it wouldn't have made sense for me to tell about it sooner. Instead of taking the subway to the end of the line as I did, I should have transferred a couple times and caught the Amtrak at Union Station. Probably would have cost more, but I could have caught the earlier train.
Amtrak is on time, I climb aboard and relax making sure I don't fall asleep. 9:30p arrive Pennsylvania Station in Baltimore. I'm here, finally.
Delay #12 - I've never been in this part of Baltimore, so I need to find out how far my hotel is, which direction, etc. I'm also pretty hungry by now. Penn Station has free Wi-Fi, open up my computer, find out that my hotel is 1.6 mi, straight south. It's dark, which way is south? Maybe I want to eat first, look up some restaurants, too far out of my way. After figuring out where I was and which way I needed to go, I opt to walk to my hotel.
I arrive at my hotel just before 10:30pm, eleven and one half hours after I left home, and with about $100 less money. To get to Baltimore, I drove, walked, ran, flew, and rode a bus, a subway, and a train.
An epilogue to this little adventure. On Friday the 6th, I took the MTA light rail back to BWI to head home. I had to change trains at one point, and either left my cell phone on the first train, or dropped it at the station where I changed trains. Now, my phone is somewhere near Baltimore, and I'm back home, tired and several hundred dollars poorer than planned.
Originally written and published in August 2010
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Confessions Of A Math Addict
I have a confession to make. I am a math addict. My parents introduced me to it when I was about 3, and after I tried it a few times, I was hooked. By the time I was 4, I had moved on to the harder stuff, multiplication and division, and I don't just mean 5x3, I was doing the hard stuff, multi-digit multiplication and division, and I didn't need a pencil or paper, just straight to my head.
When my kindergarten teacher found out, wow! He marched me straight down to the vice principal and interrupted a meeting. Needless to say, the VP was shocked to find such a young math addict in his school. My teachers tried to help me, but I was always a step ahead of them. I was doing exponentiation by 2nd grade, algebra by 5th grade, trigonometry by 6th, it seemed that nothing would stop this addiction.
They kept trying to help me, but I just kept right on doing math. Sometimes my grades would drop because I was bored, or didn't like the teacher. They kept putting me in tougher environments, but I just kept on doing it. In jr high, a friend introduced me to computers. I realized these things could make it faster and easier to do really hard math. You know the story, "Hey Geoff, check this out...."
By the time I got to high school, it was really bad, joined a "math club" and started doing "number sense". And, I was completely hooked on computers. My junior year was the worst, I was taking 3 credits of math, second, third, and 4th period, every day, including "computer math".
I was so addicted by my senior year that when I only got a 760 on the SAT math, I decided to do it again because I should have gotten higher. The second time, I hit 800. I was up to doing AP Calculus, the really hard stuff, and still, no one could stop me. I didn't pay attention in class, didn't do my homework, and yet flew through every test they dropped on me. They couldn't catch me or stop me.
But it all came crashing down in college, the hard math there was only available at 8:30 in the morning, and my brain just wasn't working at that hour. They had me doing stuff called Calc II, Calc III, & Differential Equations, and always timed tests. But it wasn't the math that got me, it was those early hours. My brain just can't handle those early hours.
After college, I cut way back on the hard stuff, went back to the basics, including some prime number theory. But I was working as a computer programmer, so I was doing math at work every day, and usually at home on the weekends. I started experimenting with other types of math, hashing, encryption, compression, you name it, I probably experimented with it. It wasn't hard, but without a computer, it would have been very tedious.
Yes, I've been a math addict for over 40 years now, and I don't think I'll ever quit. Parents beware, introducing your children to math at a young age can lead to a lifelong addiction.
P.S. This is a true story, although some of the details might be exact, it's all from memory.
When my kindergarten teacher found out, wow! He marched me straight down to the vice principal and interrupted a meeting. Needless to say, the VP was shocked to find such a young math addict in his school. My teachers tried to help me, but I was always a step ahead of them. I was doing exponentiation by 2nd grade, algebra by 5th grade, trigonometry by 6th, it seemed that nothing would stop this addiction.
They kept trying to help me, but I just kept right on doing math. Sometimes my grades would drop because I was bored, or didn't like the teacher. They kept putting me in tougher environments, but I just kept on doing it. In jr high, a friend introduced me to computers. I realized these things could make it faster and easier to do really hard math. You know the story, "Hey Geoff, check this out...."
By the time I got to high school, it was really bad, joined a "math club" and started doing "number sense". And, I was completely hooked on computers. My junior year was the worst, I was taking 3 credits of math, second, third, and 4th period, every day, including "computer math".
I was so addicted by my senior year that when I only got a 760 on the SAT math, I decided to do it again because I should have gotten higher. The second time, I hit 800. I was up to doing AP Calculus, the really hard stuff, and still, no one could stop me. I didn't pay attention in class, didn't do my homework, and yet flew through every test they dropped on me. They couldn't catch me or stop me.
But it all came crashing down in college, the hard math there was only available at 8:30 in the morning, and my brain just wasn't working at that hour. They had me doing stuff called Calc II, Calc III, & Differential Equations, and always timed tests. But it wasn't the math that got me, it was those early hours. My brain just can't handle those early hours.
After college, I cut way back on the hard stuff, went back to the basics, including some prime number theory. But I was working as a computer programmer, so I was doing math at work every day, and usually at home on the weekends. I started experimenting with other types of math, hashing, encryption, compression, you name it, I probably experimented with it. It wasn't hard, but without a computer, it would have been very tedious.
Yes, I've been a math addict for over 40 years now, and I don't think I'll ever quit. Parents beware, introducing your children to math at a young age can lead to a lifelong addiction.
P.S. This is a true story, although some of the details might be exact, it's all from memory.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Song: Flying with the TSA
Flying with the TSA
[to the tune of “Charlie on the MTA”]
[Spoken: This part isn’t on some of the recordings]
These are the times that try men's souls. In the course of our nation's history, the people of this nation have rallied bravely whenever the rights of men have been threatened. Today, a new crisis has arisen. The Transportation Security Agency, better known as the TSA, is executing illegal assaults on the population in the form of unconstitutional searches. Citizens, hear me out! This could happen to you!
[Sung:]
Well, let me tell you of the story of a man named Charlie,
On a tragic and fateful day.
He put his phone in his pocket, kissed his wife and family,
Went to fly in the USA
(Well, did he ever return? No, he never returned.)
(And his fate is still unlearned.)
(He may remain forever at the TSA checkpoint.)
(He's the man who never returned.)
Charlie showed them his ticket at the TSA checkpoint,
Just hoping to catch his Plane.
When he got there the agent told him, "One more pat down."
Charlie could't get onto that plane.
(But, did he ever return? No, he never returned.)
(And his fate is still unlearned.)
(He may remain forever in the airport terminal.)
(He's the man who never returned.)
Now, all night long Charlie stands spread eagle,
Wonderin’, "Where will they touch me next?
I can’t let this happen to my sister in Dallas,
It’s all based on a false pretext”
(But, did he ever return? No, he never returned.)
(And his fate is still unlearned.)
(He may remain forever in the airport terminal.)
(He's the man who never returned.)
Charlie's wife goes down to the TSA checkpoint,
Every day at quarter past two.
And she keeps filming those pat downs as Charlie stands helpless,
As the TSA searches continue.
(Well, did he ever return? No, he never returned.)
(And his fate is still unlearned.)
(He may remain forever at the TSA checkpoint.)
(He's the man who never returned.)
Now citizens of the nation, don't you think it's a scandal,
How people are assaulted every day?
Fight for sane and sensible airport security!
Let’s get rid of the TSA!
(Or else we'll never return. No, we'll never return.)
(And our fate will be unlearn'd.)
(We may remain forever at the TSA checkpoint.)
(We'll be the ones who never returned.)
(We'll be the ones who never returned.)
(We'll be the ones who never returned.)
-- Geoff Strickler
-- May 8, 2011
[to the tune of “Charlie on the MTA”]
[Spoken: This part isn’t on some of the recordings]
These are the times that try men's souls. In the course of our nation's history, the people of this nation have rallied bravely whenever the rights of men have been threatened. Today, a new crisis has arisen. The Transportation Security Agency, better known as the TSA, is executing illegal assaults on the population in the form of unconstitutional searches. Citizens, hear me out! This could happen to you!
[Sung:]
Well, let me tell you of the story of a man named Charlie,
On a tragic and fateful day.
He put his phone in his pocket, kissed his wife and family,
Went to fly in the USA
(Well, did he ever return? No, he never returned.)
(And his fate is still unlearned.)
(He may remain forever at the TSA checkpoint.)
(He's the man who never returned.)
Charlie showed them his ticket at the TSA checkpoint,
Just hoping to catch his Plane.
When he got there the agent told him, "One more pat down."
Charlie could't get onto that plane.
(But, did he ever return? No, he never returned.)
(And his fate is still unlearned.)
(He may remain forever in the airport terminal.)
(He's the man who never returned.)
Now, all night long Charlie stands spread eagle,
Wonderin’, "Where will they touch me next?
I can’t let this happen to my sister in Dallas,
It’s all based on a false pretext”
(But, did he ever return? No, he never returned.)
(And his fate is still unlearned.)
(He may remain forever in the airport terminal.)
(He's the man who never returned.)
Charlie's wife goes down to the TSA checkpoint,
Every day at quarter past two.
And she keeps filming those pat downs as Charlie stands helpless,
As the TSA searches continue.
(Well, did he ever return? No, he never returned.)
(And his fate is still unlearned.)
(He may remain forever at the TSA checkpoint.)
(He's the man who never returned.)
Now citizens of the nation, don't you think it's a scandal,
How people are assaulted every day?
Fight for sane and sensible airport security!
Let’s get rid of the TSA!
(Or else we'll never return. No, we'll never return.)
(And our fate will be unlearn'd.)
(We may remain forever at the TSA checkpoint.)
(We'll be the ones who never returned.)
(We'll be the ones who never returned.)
(We'll be the ones who never returned.)
-- Geoff Strickler
-- May 8, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Major Security Oversight
Originally published as a note on my Facebook page Nov 18, 2010
Ladies and Gentlemen, flight crew and flight attendants, we have overlooked something major. The White House, US Capitol, and the Pentagon are all known terrorist targets. Planes were merely the method used to attack those targets. If terrorists can no longer use planes to attack these targets, they will use more direct attacks. Therefore, we need to petition our government to immediately install backscatter scanners and implement enhanced pat-down procedures at each of these locations.
No one should be allowed to enter these facilities without going through the scanner or pat-down. Not our elected officials, not the military, not the employees, not even the President, first lady, or their young daughters. These are high value targets, and we can't be too safe. In fact, given that the backscatter machines do not show anything inside the body, they should install both backscatter and millimeter wave scanners and everyone must pass through both to be sure they're not carrying any contraband.
Furthermore, if the terrorists can disrupt our security forces, that would give them more access, therefore the DHS and TSA offices become high value targets too, and they must also have these scanners and pat-down procedures immediately.
I believe we should extend this to all state government capital buildings as well, or at least for the most populous states, NY, CA, FL, TX, OH, IL, PA, MI, GA, NC, NJ, & VA. We should include MD because of it's proximity to DC. And we should include AK, HI, and RI since they're physically disconnected from the continental US.
Please, I urge you to immediately contact your state and federal representatives demanding that they correct this oversight that puts the entire government of the country at risk of terrorist attack, and by extension, puts everyone in the country at risk. I am horrified that we've left these high profile targets unprotected for this long.
Satirically yours,
Geoff Strickler
P.S. I was going to title this "Porno scanners and en-hands-ed feel-ups everywhere", but I didn't want to give away the satire too soon.
Ladies and Gentlemen, flight crew and flight attendants, we have overlooked something major. The White House, US Capitol, and the Pentagon are all known terrorist targets. Planes were merely the method used to attack those targets. If terrorists can no longer use planes to attack these targets, they will use more direct attacks. Therefore, we need to petition our government to immediately install backscatter scanners and implement enhanced pat-down procedures at each of these locations.
No one should be allowed to enter these facilities without going through the scanner or pat-down. Not our elected officials, not the military, not the employees, not even the President, first lady, or their young daughters. These are high value targets, and we can't be too safe. In fact, given that the backscatter machines do not show anything inside the body, they should install both backscatter and millimeter wave scanners and everyone must pass through both to be sure they're not carrying any contraband.
Furthermore, if the terrorists can disrupt our security forces, that would give them more access, therefore the DHS and TSA offices become high value targets too, and they must also have these scanners and pat-down procedures immediately.
I believe we should extend this to all state government capital buildings as well, or at least for the most populous states, NY, CA, FL, TX, OH, IL, PA, MI, GA, NC, NJ, & VA. We should include MD because of it's proximity to DC. And we should include AK, HI, and RI since they're physically disconnected from the continental US.
Please, I urge you to immediately contact your state and federal representatives demanding that they correct this oversight that puts the entire government of the country at risk of terrorist attack, and by extension, puts everyone in the country at risk. I am horrified that we've left these high profile targets unprotected for this long.
Satirically yours,
Geoff Strickler
P.S. I was going to title this "Porno scanners and en-hands-ed feel-ups everywhere", but I didn't want to give away the satire too soon.
Song: Don't Fly
Originally published as a note on my Facebook page Nov 16, 2010
Don’t Fly
(to the tune of “Don’t Cry” by Asia)
Original Songwriters: John Wetton & Geoff Downes
New lyrics by Geoff Strickler
Hard times you had before you, I knew when they first saw you
You girl, you’re gonna be selected, inspected
So leave your stuff behind you, they’ve looked so long to find you
I know this search will last forever, ever and more, oh, oh, oh
Don't fly, now they’re gonna hound you
Don't fly, they’ll take a look around you
Don't fly, their groping will astound you
They do what they want so little darlin' please don't fly
I knew you’d be selected, knew you would be rejected
Don't think it’s like it’s been before
They'll watch you when you're scanning, they’ll grope you when you're standing.
Don't argue if you want to ever get on board, oh, oh, oh
Don't fly, now they’re gonna hound you
Don't fly, they’ll take a look around you
Don't fly, their groping will astound you
They do what they want so little darlin' please don't fly
(repeat previous verse 2 more times)
Don't fly, don't fly, don't fly
Don't fly, don't fly, don't fly
Don't fly, they’ve looked so long to find you
Don't fly, they’ll take a look around you
Edit 2011-04-29: minor updates.
Edit 2014-04-28: minor updates.
Don’t Fly
(to the tune of “Don’t Cry” by Asia)
Original Songwriters: John Wetton & Geoff Downes
New lyrics by Geoff Strickler
Hard times you had before you, I knew when they first saw you
You girl, you’re gonna be selected, inspected
So leave your stuff behind you, they’ve looked so long to find you
I know this search will last forever, ever and more, oh, oh, oh
Don't fly, now they’re gonna hound you
Don't fly, they’ll take a look around you
Don't fly, their groping will astound you
They do what they want so little darlin' please don't fly
I knew you’d be selected, knew you would be rejected
Don't think it’s like it’s been before
They'll watch you when you're scanning, they’ll grope you when you're standing.
Don't argue if you want to ever get on board, oh, oh, oh
Don't fly, now they’re gonna hound you
Don't fly, they’ll take a look around you
Don't fly, their groping will astound you
They do what they want so little darlin' please don't fly
(repeat previous verse 2 more times)
Don't fly, don't fly, don't fly
Don't fly, don't fly, don't fly
Don't fly, they’ve looked so long to find you
Don't fly, they’ll take a look around you
Edit 2011-04-29: minor updates.
Edit 2014-04-28: minor updates.
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